Weirdos in Texas.......and other deep thoughts

-Gotta love these whack job Texans when they come up with crazyness like this!! Someone hacked into the computer on the highway signs in Austin and changed the message : the next sign said Run For Your Life!! Obviously they had been on Sixth Street (where the bars are) too long and were overserved Lone Star Beer and Titos Texas Vodka...

-in local news you can't use, I changed the sled teams food to Rachel Rays Nutrish, because its healthier and they really seem to like it. Thats the good news. The bad news is it gives Owen gas that smells like a Burnt Rubber Broccoli Omelet. P and U.

-I am 38 days from having a birthday that ends in a zero. I think the presents should start arriving immediately.

-the ice storm we had Tuesday and Weds was a joke. It just made everything muddy enough that my indoors now look like my outdoors, as in mud and crap on every horizontal surface. Try vacuuming while three nutjob dogs try to kill the vacuum cleaner.

-I am loving our new President Obama kicking the asses of the Wall Street companies for paying 20 million in bonuses to the upper management AFTER the bailout. And a guy from Merrill Lynch redid his office and paid $1400 for a trash can. What should we do with him?


-sadly, I am an addicted smoker that has quit and started and quit and started many times. This year, after I go to Mexico to celebrate the aforemention BDAY, I am going to quit. For good. Just putting that out there when my blog turns into a raving rant and you all think I've lost my mind (more than you already think). If I try to entice you to stop by my house with a pack of Marlboro Lights, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! There might be Zombies waiting for you here..........

-gotta go make that stuff that buys me stuff and keeps food on the table for M2 and the Sled Team.

LYFridayGuts,
Bj

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Answers from Ask Betty...........

sorry for the delay for the questions you sent Ask Betty, but Fernando, her old BF showed up and she disappeared for a while. She's back, fresh and frisky from her frolicking with F, and here are the answers to your burning questions..............

God, do you people have some strange problems. You made me start smokin the Banana flavored Swisher Sweets again, and I had just grown the hair back on my right arm where I had used a Nicotine patch to quit! But I promised, and you're needy, so I'll try to help you out.

Megan wrote how long can she claim she just moved in when people come over and there are boxes everywhere??

Meg, when you think you've exhausted that one, throw the door open and start screaming 'WE'VE BEEN ROBBED' and that usually works. I've used it for 15 years and so far, so good.....

Miss Thystle,aka Thystlicious, wanted to know how to cure her husband from tossing his underwear NEXT to the hamper, not in it.......

Well, strap one of these contraptions on him in his sleep, hide the key, and HANG the worst pair you can find from the stick thingey in the front. Once he walks around with those demonic wares dangling in his face, he may just start putting them where you ask him to put them. Or not. But at least take his picture for all of us to see!!

Racie Lover wants to know how to cure her boss....from pretty much breathing.....

Well RL, since you can't off him or you'd end up in prison with Thystle and LV, go ahead and copy this little picture and put it on all correspondence you have with him. At least you'll feel better. Oh, and get your resume together. And what the hell, take some pictures... Daddio and Sheila had issues with a certain football matchup and sadly, not the outcome they wanted.

I do have an idea when confronted with the situation of too much

PRE-GAME SMACK talk and then suffering a loss. Wear this to work the next day, mumble alot, and make sure they know you are goin commando underneath and they will most likely leave you alone. Oh, and send pictures.

Last but not least, KWR offered some very good advice for the 'willing to try pretty much anything for beauty' group. You know, most of you. Its a website called bettybeauty.com, which helps you ladies match the 'drapes to the carpet' if you know what I mean. My familly does not have that problem as we are naturally the same color all over, so you are on your own on that one. Good luck. And don't send pictures.

Now I have a question for you! One reader writes (as anonymous and you will soon know why)

Dear Ask Betty,

I work in a three sided cubicle with many people in and out and walking past all day. As I have reached middle age, I tend to have some pretty noisy gas that sometimes also brings up the question "is someone eating eggs?" by the passerby/co-workers. What do you suggest?

signed Flatulant in Ft. Worth

Well, well, well, since I trust MOST of your judgement, especially now while I'm having a Mango Daquiri and a massage, feel free to help this poor reader with his or her problem. Maybe they should borrow the monkey suit from Alex....

what do you suggest?

LYDarwinesqueGuts,

Betty

Happy Australia Day to Le Downunder..

M2 and I marked the kitchen calendar for Monday as Australia Day, which I'm thinking is like our 4th of July....AND its summer time down there, so its picnics, bar-b-que, and a day of celebration. Just from reading Le's blog, Third on the Right, I've learned alot about many differences between us and them. Especially the food. So, in honor of Austrailia Day, I googled recipes for the US group to try...if they dare.

Read the ingredients. I'm sure its the eggplant that 'completes' the dining experience. (not sure where you purchase the meat, so good luck on that one)

Coriander Chilli Kangaroo
Serves 4
Ingredients:
2 x 200-220g Kangaroo Lo-in Fillets
2 medium eggplants, cut each into 6 slices
Coriander Chilli Marinade
Mix together in a bowl
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons sweet chilli sauce
1 tablespoon chopped coriander leaves
1/2 teaspoon cracked black pepper
Method:
* put Kangaroo fillets in the marinade and set aside for 15-30 minutes
* Heat a heavy based flat grill plain or ribbed pan until hot. Cook fillets over high heat for 1-2 minutes on each side or until meat springs back when squeezed with tongs. If coking to medium reduce heat, cook further until kangaroo feels firmer
* Remove onto a plate and stand for 5 minutes to rest
* Meanwhile, brush eggplant with olive oil, add to pan, fry on both sides until golden
* Cut Kangaroo fillet diagonally into 4 slices. Put 3 slices cooked egg plant, onto each plate, top with 2 slices Kangaroo fillet and garnish with extra lemon wedges, mint or coriander. Serve with Tabhouli.

Have fun you crazy Aussies!! Hope one day we get to meet face to face....

LYDownUnderGuts,

Bj

GAME ON

I am so proud of yesterday, our country, and the energy you could feel coming from all parts of America. And I am glad I got behind this man and spoke up when needed during the election, to dispell the myths that others were trying to perpetuate. Now, hold on, its going to be a great ride.

Peace

Bj

Give Me a D, Vanna Veasey....

If you have seen Our Name is Blog this week, she is handing us all letters to list our 10 favorite things that start with that letter. I, actually, would have preferred the envelope with alot of cash in it. Or the trip to Costa Rica. But I got D. So here's mine, in no particular order.

1. Daughter- any day with M2 is a joy, although she has hit her 'eleventeens'and sighs and rolls her eyes sometimes. MOST of the time she is funny, sweet and my buddy...I just about decided that I'm gonna keep her.

2.Dogs- I must love them, or I am just the Crazy Dog Lady. I have three, and they are not SMALL. They run my life, they eat me out of house and home, they bark when I'm on the phone and they poop everytime I turn around (thankfully outside). Today, Bella knocked the thing off the french door that makes it french, so I shamed her and then found the super glue, which is holding Green Acres together along with some duct tape. She's the challenged one, remember, but actually the least pain in the ass, because when the other two are in the kitchen begging for food, she is watching TV. Last night she watched most of the news. I think if I had said her name, she would have said 'shhh, not now, I'm waiting for the weather to come on.'

3. Daffodils- weird I know, but when I was little I knew my birthday was getting close when I saw daffodils.

Did I just hear you say awwww? I thought so.

4. Dark Chocolate Cake with White Icing- yum. Bury me with a piece in my hand. No make it two. Hell, I'm dead, give me the whole damn cake.

5. Democratic Party- can't say enough that I know we have a better future to look forward to. Yo Bama...

6. Dolce & Gabana- when I'm wealthy, this will be my first indulgent buy...

from jewelry to underwear, with shoes and handbags in between.

7. Dancing- I have loved to dance since I discovered cowboys a long time ago, and those wranglers and boots scooting around the dance floor get me every time. Any guy that will dance even though they don't care if they are a good dancer or not gets big points with me....

8. Dreams-if you know me, you know I have weird dreams and remember most of them. Last night, it was the Ranch Hand getting married to the postoffice lady that drives a Jeep from the wrong side. And he was dressed in this disco type outfit, white unbuttoned shirt, black vest, flowy pants. Analyze that one, would ya? I haved also dreamed that the end of my fingers could flip open and I could shake dirt out. A long time ago I dreamed Abner, the Scottie could talk and sang New York, New York all the time. We weren't impressed, we were irritated.

9. Dry, Oaky, Chardonnays- J.Lohr, Coppola, La Crema, Acacia are some favorites. Make sure you wrap them well when you are shipping me some. And I serve them in wonderful GLASSES, girls, not paper cups...wonder if she writes your name on them?

10. Days- trying to enjoy each and every one of them by staying in the moment, and I always look forward to checking out my BBFF's blogs and what everyone is up to. As Natalie Merchant said, These are the Days that we'll remember.

Trying to be grateful and enjoy.

Honorable mentions: Derek from Greys Anatomy (can I get an amen),

HorDevours (tomatoes, mozzarella, & basil) Design with Wine (thats my HGTV show I'm going to produce one day, right now its usually just with the girlfriends.)

so now you know 10 more things about me that you didn't before. Riveting, isn't it?

LY Devious & Darling Guts,

Bj

If You Can't Beat Em, Fry Em & EAT EM......

FRIED ALLIGATOR SNACKS
1 lb Alligator Nuggets
Seasoned fish fry
1 c Milk
Vegetable oil
1/4 ts Garlic powder
Salt & Pepper

Instructions for Fried Alligator:

Mix milk and garlic powder, and a dash of salt and pepper. Add alligator and marinate for 1 hour. Roll pieces in fish fry and deep fry in hot oil until golden brown.

Choke down with a beer, and better luck to my Sooners next year...!

Sage Answers from Ask Betty...

Hello fellow bloggers, chickens, possums, etc. Had a new thought shoot through my head, like in one ear and out the other, about a weekly column called Ask Betty. You can leave your problems on any comment section, just direct them to her, and she will answer when she has the right psychic moment, banana-crack snack, and/or carb reload and you will have a solution to your problem.

For Free.

Can't beat a deal like free, now can you. Because when someone says 'where the hell did you get an idea like that' you can actually say 'from a talking drag queen monkey..'

Take it for what its worth, just don't feed it to the kids.

LYEveryonelooksbetterinpearlsguts,

Bj

Match.Com edited with J.Lohr

Ok, my BFF Cynthia, the jaded divorced mother of three boys and I got together last night sans children, which BTW, happens as often as Haleys Comet, and sat in my kitchen having some wine and comparing calendars for the upcoming month. We had my laptop out and she said 'let me show you some funny shit' and pulled up Match.Com. As many of you know, I've always said no way to that as a way to meet people, and we laughed and put in our zip code and started our verbal/(verbose?) tour of man-dom out there. Paleeessseee......., here is what we came up with.

Dear Match.Com,

You really need to let your postees know the following. First, the men need to get a female friend involved when choosing the photos and profiles they are posting. The first photo your potential 'date' might see is not attractive if your tongue is out or you are holding a dead animal or fish. Trust me. THEN, your additional photos should not be with you at some black tie event (cause it was your best photo) also shown with your 'date' that night that could have been a paid hooker. OMG. At least black out her face. We know that is not your daughter...And don't post a picture that looks like you are running for City Council next to the one of you in a hot tub.

Choose a decent name for your profile, not GroovinUBaby , Sweller Feller, RockUrWorld, FrickinCrazy, or MissingOneSnuggler. Ewwww.... Steve99 works pretty well, and probably will attract less of the Lizzie Borden types if you know what I mean. And don't say you're athletic when we see one of your 19 photos posted in a bathing suit. I think you missed the 'semi' or 'want to be' in front of the word athletic. Finally, but I'm sure there will be more when Cyn and I go for round two, if you are 55 years old and your preferred age range of dates starts at 18 and stops at 35......that is just gross. Gross, gross, gross.

Our final conclusion was that we would just leave this on the back burner for a while and do what we've been doing. Chasing children, trying new recipes out, sitting in my kitchen or taking the sled team to the park. I trust fate that I'll be at 7-11 one day and Mr. Dinner Only will hold the door open for me while I run in to get Slurpees. And he sees kids and , dogs in my car and thinks I'm cute.

It could happen.

Alot faster than me 'winking' (thats what you do if you think someone is cute) at CardioDan (duh, are you a doctor??) or AlphaTiger4U. Last but not least, spell check the word Niemans.

For real, CountryCarl.

LYFixMeUpWithYourBrotherAfterTheDivorceIsFinal Guts,

Bj