Yahoo!!! Its OVAH

Not being a scrooge or anything, but hell to the yeah, the rush around, need to wrap a quick gift, oh shit I forgot to get a gift card season is done.

And we pulled it off. Actuallly, my family and friends SO rallied around making sure M2 had a rockin Christmas, it was one of our best ever.

Remember a long time ago when I said I have the equivalent of a drug problem for a certain perfume?? GOT IT! I so got it, and every time I walk by the bottle I pick it up and say 'hello, lover'. Boys beware, I am now armed with French Spanish Fly. No kidding, it is friggin intoxicating.

Hope you got all your goodies and are petting them and loving them accordingly.

These are funny, to end the year with, because Texas is like living on a separate planet. And the holidays really bring it out as in outlandish overthe top indulgence, all the way to trailer park tacky. There is a lid for every pot around here.

You May Live in Texas...
If someone in Walmart offers you assistance and they don't even work there

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend

If you measure distance in hours
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you (ed. note -they may be passing you on the shoulder)
If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly

Here's to an awesome, money making, smooth sailing 2010!

LYPutUpTheFakeSnowGuts,

Bj

Dont' Google Ugly Christmas Sweaters

First of all, I do not know these people. And I'm thinking I don't want to, although I'm sure they are lovely. The aging Chihuahua in her lap is the perfect accessory, don't cha think?

Moving on; Hey people, Christmas is right up road!! Although my house looks like Christmas threw up in it and then someone took a leaf blower and ran through every room, I'm ok with it. M2 likes the tree and the Mantel of Too Much Shit , so hey, we're making memories.

And I have beautifully regifted some things to grab at the last minute so I have something in my hand when I stop by here and there this week. If you get something back or you vaguely recognize that frozen fruitcake, remember your manners please, and no eyebrow raising. You know I can spot a WTF look from a block away.

Working Girl (oh hell yes) has not received that first thing they call a paycheck. I think I remember how it feels, but I may have to rub it all over my body to really remember the joy they use to bring me.

The Sled Team needs some attention too. Owen needs a Pedi because he is doing the Kamodo Dragon thing with this nails. Abner needs a complete makeover, but he also has to have a muzzle if 'that stranger' is going to touch him, and he looks like Hannibel Lechter the whole time they are clipping him. We may go out for that Day of Beauty tomorrow.

Bella needs the dog version of a frontal lobotomy. Or not. I kind of like her 'huh?' response to everything except food. She'll take a finger off while flying through the air to grab that piece of cheese that was intended for a sandwich of human consumption. She has no boundaries.

As for the 'rest of my Christmas shopping' the rest will be my first, and it will happen Weds/Thursday ish (see note above about first paycheck) I'm either going to find really good sales, or all the Snuggies I plan to purchase will only be left in Camo print. Kind of like the year M2 got a Hot Wheels Scooter instead of a Barbie Scooter. A puzzled three year old is easy to sort out though, I just told her that Santa must have thought she was too bad ass for that Barbie pink girlie scooter.

If I could fly around like Santa and visit all of you, I would. I would have a glass or seven of wine with Lorrie and Kip somewhere tall in NYC, take a picture of me, Le, and a Kangaroo, in Whoop Whoop,

probably just Ring N Run at Kregs cause I'd be scared he would open the door, have all the Smartini girls make us all their favorite beverages, sleep over cause I drank too much, swing by Sheila's and act like I want to borrow some Marmite (for spackle), show up at Thystles like I am the police, then head to the bowling alley with her, and on and on and on.

I love this little world over here, good place to escape, run all over the world at the end of my fingers, and know if I really did show up, you would let me in. And that is the BEST PRESENT EVAH.

Along with that paycheck :)

LYEggnogDrinkingGuts,

Bj

To My Secret Santas

Thank you for the packages on my porch and the money for Morgan's Christmas presents. I have no idea who you are, but I know you are part of my amazing circle of family and friends.

I love all you guys, more than you know.

I'm gonna pay it forward very soon.

LYG

Bj

EMPLOYED.

Oh hell to the yes, somebody FINALLY gave me a



J-O-B.







And I am doing the HAPPY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Thanks for hanging in there with me through my Bitching, Crying, Swearing, Drinking, Summer of Unemployment. Its been a hell of a roller coater ride, but I can see the train pulling in the station so I can get off this 5 month , 29 days, 3 1/2 hour event.


Good luck to the people that are just getting on, feel free to leave your comments over here anytime cause I heart you and know what it feels like. You can bitch, swear, whatever you need cause things will turn around for you too.



LYPutMeOnThePayrollGuts,

Bj

I Have A Charlie.

I have become addicted to The Pioneer Woman, who, unless you live in a cave, is rocking the blog world. She is funny, humble, a great cook, lives on a ranch with Marlboro Man, and home schools her four 'punks' as she calls them. I live part time vicariously through her.

And she has Charlie, the Basset Hound. Who I'm guessing is as complicated as my Owen, third in The Sled Team. So this post is hard to write but I am facing the possibility of having to find Owen a new home.

We just had another vicious dog fight, between Owen and the Scottie Abner, who is injured from the fight and I just can't handle the drama that this adds to my life.

And, oh, I love this dog. I thought it would be toughest on M2 to have to let him go but its gonna be me. But Abner is my original dog, and he does not complicate my life like Owen does. Owen is demanding, adorable, loud, silly, emotional, funny, and the list goes on and on.

What I am hoping is a Basset Hound lover, that maybe comes over here from there (I'm going to try to link this post over there somewhere)

will write and tell me they have been looking for a 2 year old male Basset, who they would love and brush and give lots of treats to because I just can't think of anyone but the best family taking him.

Help me out by forwarding this if you can; as you can tell, we live in Dallas, but I would drive him to a good home, pretty much anywhere.

LYG

Bj

Set Me Free, Why Don't Cha Babe

Ok, so I wake up at 5 am and sort out my latest weird dream. I had thought that when Super D and I were chased by two gorillas last week, and we had to barricade the door with furniture to keep them out, that was going to do me for a while in the what the hell was that category.

Oh no.

Last nights Dream Theatre starred Diana Ross. And there she was, or should I say HAIR she was, with hair the size of Rhode Island, pearls, dressed in white and floating around the room. So I'm listening to the conversation going on, and she said 'do you know I am the second richest woman in the world, just behind Oprah?' and everyone oooohed and aaaahed and I thought 'do you know how broke I am right now?' but just smiled and secretly thought how I had never bought any of her music, nor was it on my IPOD. I mean, she's ok, but I don't have a thing for Elvis either, so if they are your faves, sorry, but I'm a Rolling Stones kind of girl.

ANyway, M2 appears and walks up to me and says 'do you mind if I go live with Diana Ross for a while?' and then I woke up. And I laid there.

And I went to my mental ditch, as I've named it, at 5 am, and thought about Christmas coming and presents and unemployment and fa la

la f-in la. Now I'm really not liking Diana Ross, for rubbing it in AND stealing my kid.

So a few hours later, I talk to a close friend and tell her I am going to make a phone call to someone, really suck it up, and ask that person if he would possibly be the donor of a Wii to M2 for Christmas. Yes, that is all she wants. I know, we are two years behind the entire population, but no we don't have one. But M2 said 'maybe I could ask for gift cards and put them together and buy one' and by God, I thought, I'll move mountains, sell a kidney, whatever it takes to get one for you for Christmas. (Can I get an Amen from all the Mothers who know when the Mama Bear comes out, and you must take care of the cubs?). And my cub is good, and humbled by our situation, and caring, and doesn't ask for much. Believe me, I am around kids her age that think it is there RIGHT to have all the latest material things, and I am thankful for mine who doesn't ask for much at all.

But my friend says "I got the Wii covered". And I am horrified that the conversation went THERE instead of her just backing me up on the phone call I was going to make. We talked a long time, she wouldn't take no for an answer, and as I write this it is already waiting for me at a store to pick up.

Can you believe it?

Suck it Diana Ross. I have friends that, although they are not dressed in white, and float around the room, they are Angels to me. And THAT is MY Christmas present, to have them in my life.

LYHolidazeGuts,

Bj

First I went here, then I went there....

doing a little blog hopping to see whats new and funny out there, I went back to The Blogess and from her site went over to The Onion. This was a news story posted over there.

American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter: 'Thanks A Lot, Asshole'
November 12, 2009
FORT HOOD, TX—Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week that left 13 people dead and 30 others injured, fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying "thanks a fucking bunch, asshole," to the 39-year-old killer. "Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the shitter," St. Cloud, MN resident Zahida Naseem said at one of dozens of impromptu rallies held nationwide. "And you just had to scream 'Allahu Akbar' while you did it, didn't you? May as well have put on a turban and rode a fucking camel right through the army base, you dick. Thanks for making the foreseeable future a living hell for normal, peace-loving Muslims in this country. Really appreciate it!" American Sikhs are also reportedly enraged with Hasan, and an official statement from the National Sikh Heritage Center read, in part, "look, we got nothing to do with that guy."

that pretty much probably sums it up how most of the American Muslim population feels. Well and the non Muslims too, just another weird tragic thing in our world.....

On a different note, can someone help a sista out? I forgot how to do the strike out word thing that LV taught me, and also, how do you highlight other blogs that you are writing about?

Or please send me the manual Blogging for Dummies. Because I'm busy hoarding Eggo Waffles.

LYFridayGuts,

Bj

Colonel Mustard In The Library With The Candlestick

Hello! Guess I've licked my wounds long enough, swept up the confetti from the pity party, and decided I should really share today's (dog) events.

I rushed home with groceries today, with just enough time to put away the cold stuff, and in a hurry to get out the door to pick up M2 from tennis practice. Even made time to feed the sled team so they weren't pretending they were dying by the time we got home, because I really hate the drama and the guilt they are heaping on me if they think I'm 30 minutes late feeding them. Anyhoo, we get home and SOMEDOG has eaten three tomatoes and half a loaf of sourdough bread.

Lets review the suspects:

Abner- the small badass Scottie would not even THINK of doing this so he is always immediately off the hook

Bella- challenged and not usually the first one I point the finger at

Owen- the Basset that ALWAYS has a look of 'What?' on his face and tries his best to be his cutest when I am cleaning up after the dog party that has taken place in my absence.

So I do the 'shame on you' to the group, clean up whats left laying around and I'm done. An hour goes by and I hear a weird noise, and its Bella.

Beginning to puke. And she does, once, in the shape of a brain

(sorry-at least there are no pictures), then again, then the grand finale. In the shape of Florida. And its not like I TRY to name those shapes of puke, it was just so obvious right at that moment.

After I finish cleaning up Florida, I SWEAR Owen has the most indignant look on his face, like 'Really? Does someone owe me an apology?' and I'm thinking to myself 'dude, you probably told her to whip you up some Bruschetta and look where it got her.'

Seriously, I am like the poster child for Laminate flooring.

Soon, very soon.

LYmaybeIshouldconsiderconcretefloorsGuts,

Bj

Carry On.

Well..................

Just got 'the email'. They know I'm a great fit, but with 'this economy',

they will not fill the position until January.

So, if I'm MIA for a while, I'm either-

-applying for foodstamps

-busy selling things on Craigs List

-finding a good street corner.

-joining the circus.

Really, I do know the 'its not meant to be' factor. And I believe all of that, and also appreciate your good thoughts. Keep sending them our way.

LYG,

Bj

Keep Toes and Fingers Crossed Until Instructed Otherwise

first let me say yuck.

Ok, now, let me say I just had a THIRD interview with a great company and it went swimmingly. I not only am pretty sure I have the job, but it looks like a job I will enjoy, with a group I will enjoy, and have flexibility, financial success, the whole package.

I will know early next week, so keep the prayer chain going until then.

LYThanksForListeningToMeBitchAllSummerGuts,
Bj

Odds & Ends, not necessarily in that order...

Its all odd. And so far, no end to the oddness. So, I'll just continue to ramble and get these flying thoughts out of my head.

1. Big Announcement- M2 really likes photography, so since I say NO to her having a Facebook, Hell NO to her having a MySpace, I said YES you can have a blog about pictures you take! We just put it together last night while I was dosing off, so its still in its primative state.

go to http://www.photosfromm2.blogspot.com/ and see what her eyes see and her comments. Please throw a comment her way. If you do, I won't send the sled team to live with you.

2. For the first time in a LONG time, I am thinking I want to move. We have been in this house for 15 years, and with all the movement in my life, when the job thing is locked down, I'm going to kick it around. There is not a reason we live here anymore(jobs brought us to this suburb), and frankly, I would like to find a neighborhood that has some girls in it M2's age because there isn't any here. And a fresh start somewhere would do loads for our perspective. I think its time. Stay tuned.

3. I know you are wanting pictures of Kreg, but each time I pull the camera out, he says 'no not now' because he is so busy cleaning!! The house is looking , um, 'better', but he still has a ways to go. THEN I told him we would get out in Big D and find a beer or two.

4. When I emerge from this recession depression, I swear, so help me unemployment, that I will never utter the words again 'I don't have the money'. I will only use phrases like 'can't work it in my schedule, doesn't fit where I am right now, I need to give the dogs baths instead.' But the word MONEY will not be in the sentence. Because I am so friggin tired of worrying about money. I am putting that in the past.

5. Check out Le's post from Third on the Right, about going Nuts. I think its her best post ever. What a trooper she is, throwing fancy parties among the crocodiles and locusts. Cheers Le, I'll meet you one day!

6. Maybe I should find a cowboy, move to a ranch, and take pictures of food I cook (thepioneerwoman.com). Everytime I turn around, there she is! More Magazine, Bonnie Hunt Show, People Magazine!! I just read she gets 12 million hits a month!

Excuse me, I 'm headed to the kitchen.

LYiftheresdoghairinyourfood,callitfiberGuts,

Bj

Kreg's In Big D, Chickens!

Went out to the mailbox this AM, to retrieve yesterdays mail, because I do not get in a big hurry to gather the negative information that comes in piles these days. ie, the unemployment=can'tpayeverythingontime notices and right next to the Holiday Spiegel Catalog=Lace & Polyester, was KREG!
Actually, a lifesize photo of his head. With instructions to have my way with him, or take him around Dallas, and capture it in photos.

Hmmmmmmm. The ideas just started FLYING!! He needs to go to Lower Greenville and have a margarita at the Blue Goose. He needs to go see the Jerry Jones Monument, aka, the new Cowboys Stadium, and damn, he missed Six Flags and the State Fair! But there is so much to see and do, around here, I'm sure we'll have a great time.

Right now, he needs to go scoop dog poop in the backyard. So we'll holla at you later. With photos.

LYKregNeedsACowboyHatGuts,
Bj

TODAY in History......well, at least my history

I need to go back and check dates, because it seems like 'yesterday' that I was writing about my first anniversary after not being married. Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is that 16 years ago, I got married, and 1 year and 2 months ago, I guess you could say I got unmarried. I'm not divorced yet, FOR NO REASON EXCEPT WE HAVENT' DONE IT YET, and now employment is far more important than a piece of paper that says 'Congrats, you're Single'. It is on my list of things TO DO.

M2 knows this is the day, but doesn't say anything. I will probably say something to her after school, cause I dont' like that shit building up inside her, and she usually has such a good take on things. So I think I'm helping her when actually she is helping me. Realize that I could have some crappy bitter kid that hates me and slams her bedroom door. But instead I have this FUNNY, polite, cool, knows who she is kid and I just so adore every part of her.

So this day in my life is my quiet gift to me that I got an awesome kid.

Happy 10/2 to me-

LYGM2,

Mom

music from brother Van, from last years post- still love it

http://users.megapathdsl.net/~nightshade/SomeoneLikeYou

What Would You Do?

Imagine, getting a phone call from a very good friend/co-worker. You know he has been going through a hard time, but you haven't talked to him in a while (different schedules). And the phone call is to tell you that he has taken 40 Valium and would you just stay on the phone to talk until he goes to sleep?????????????????????????????

This DID NOT happen to me, but a very good friend. She calls me frantic (he hung up on her) and says what do I do? She doesn't know his address or anything. I say call your employer and tell them what is going on. So she does, the employer is able to get the police over to his house where he is now in the garage with the car running. Ok, guess he was serious about this, but he has two kids. Young kids.

Now he is in a Psych Ward somewhere, but has managed to call my friend two times and tell her that she betrayed him, blah blah blah.

Would you have done the same thing?

LYSeriousStuffGuts,

Bj

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Pounds....

If you want to know something about me, please put this at the top of your list. I LOVE THIS. Basil, Mozzarella, & Tomato, drizzled with Balsamic Vinegar and Olive Oil, and a pinch of sea salt. I mean, if its on the menu, I will have it. And if I haven't had it in a while, I go get the stuff to make it. Here is the latest platter full, I just had to take a picture it was so pretty. I actually made a Basil Pesto and the 'chocolatey' looking stuff is a Balsamic Vinegar Reduction (ie, boil the BV until it turns thick). Oh Baby. And then this. This is what you must drink to make the dish complete.

A buttery, oakey, glass of chilled Chardonnay.

Oh baby.

But, FAST FORWARD to this past weekend. Photos at two different events were taken, and suddenly, I regret the Mozzarella/Chardonnay Festival also known as My Summer of Unemployment. I do, have a partner in crime for this activity, so if you're saying 'unemployment pays well,' well it doesn't. She ponies up the groceries too, when we need a fix.

And the photos. I hate them. But they led me to do this.

Grocery store, veggies, fruit, chicken, tuna, yogurt, you name it, if its on a diet anywhere in recent history, I bought it. And, again, if you know me, the Truvia is the biggest step because I dump 1.5 pounds of sugar in my coffee. But alas, it is not serving me well. So, as I write this, I am choking down my first Truvia Latte, and I'm just going to have to stare at those damn pictures until the bitterness goes away.....

And I'll be washing it down with this. 64 ozs or more, they say, so if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom.

LYIfeellikeKirstieAlleyGuts,

Bj

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORRIE VEASEY....

you don't look a day over yesterday!

We Lurve You, hope your day is mucho bueno

LYAreYouFiftyYetGuts?

Bj

No Blog Sheila

Editors note: this picture has nothing to do with Sheila. I just liked it. The Title is Hanging by A Thread......... http://envisage2009.blogspot.com/

If you haven't seen this site, you need to go there, sit back and look at the photos.

Miss Thystle and No Blog Sheila are contributors, and the photography is real, personal, beautiful, just a really neat perspective by each person.

LYSmileandSayCheeseGuts,

Bj

The Basset Hound Shuffle, aka, Owen see's his People

Saturday we loaded up the speed bump, Owen, and took him to the annual gathering of Basset Hounds. It is a fundraiser for the North Texas Basset Hound Rescue, and it is amazing to see all of these dogs that resemble each other, but are all sizes, lengths, ears, colors, etc

He quickly found a very cute little female, but moved on because there were too many butts to sniff...

Which made him very tired.

M2 thought he was the most handsome of ALL Basset Hounds at the Shuffle!

There were about 200 of them. They were friggin everywhere.

And this is the thanks we got on the trip home. All the way. One hour.

Snoring.

Guess he had fun.

LYAdoptAShelterPetGuts,

Bj

Marguerite Blanc

Besides finding all of my old high school friends on Facebook, they also have these little games that you play and one was "what is your French name?". I am friggin Marguerite Blanc, yall, and I kinda like it. So I decided to find a photo that looked like my new BFF MB, and saw this one.

Just look at her face. That is so ME, like I am saying 'you didn't just say that did you? Really?'

I might write my book under that name.

Although thankfully nothing else about me resembles MB, the name alone could move mountains, don't cha think? "Sir, there is a call on line two from someone named Marguerite Blanc...I don't know her, maybe she is part of the Sauvignon Blanc family?...

Just think of the dinner reservations I could hook us up with.

LYRightThisWayMissBlancGuts,

Bj

FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:Re: Save this animal please

Ok, here's the deal. I am STILL receiving emails like this, and I can't believe it. Even though it is endorsed by June Blowhard, Attorney at Law, or Phil McGroin, Legal Counsel to the UN, I just want to scream when I see these. That little girl that needs us to forward something so her neighbors cat's tumor will magically disappear, or the Christmas Card one or the tracking device by Microsoft........................Really???

And I get these from who I previously deemed semi-intelligent adults.

Not sure if they get over here and read, they are too busy sending these emails from their contact list from their I Phones..................Really???

If you get these too, and want to make sure that you haven't won the lottery in Sumalia, go to snopes.com, type in any word from that email and 99% of the time, its a SNOPE. But there's that one percent that could really be Apple sending me a free I Phone, so I will now need all of your emails so I can forward that to you and claim my booty.

and then you will get a thank you from me........Sent from my I Phone.

LYAmIJaded?Guts,

Bj

Not My First Rodeo...

When I first moved to Dallas, I knew one person, I was starting school, and I was very intimidated by the size of the city. But, I needed a job, and so me, my Camaro, a map and the classifieds braved the expressways and got out amongst the madness. Oh, and I was B-R-O-K-E. I didn't want to ask Super D for any $$$, trying to do it all on my own, and spent my last money moving my crap to an apartment I had never seen, with a roommate I had only met on the phone. Remind me to tell you about living with Skitzi Mitzi for exactly one month. But, this is about being broke.

I got a job at a restaurant called Birraporrettis (sp), and it was disgusting. Not only did the place smell like a damp rag, the kitchen was totally Asian and I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AGAINST ASIANS.

But this group cussed you out, slammed plates, and scared the shit out of me basically and I hated every minute of it. So I quit. But they owed me a paycheck, which I would be able to pick up the next Friday. And it was about Tuesday. And I needed $200 in my checking account like right then. I felt pretty low, and desperate. So laying in bed that night, plotting Mitzi's demise (she drew a line in the refrigerator with tape that day because my stuff was getting on her side)

I thought the following: WHAT IF I write myself a check on my old bank account, which was closed, deposit in my now bank account and hope that would buy me a few days. I really thought what have I got to lose?

So I did it. And as I drove away from the drive thru, I said out loud to the Universe that I was sorry but I hope I didn't just commit a felony or something.

So I get to school, hang out at break with my BFF Concie (the creator of LYG, btw) and here comes Mitzi. Concie called her The Poodle because she shook when she talked to you. Anyhoo, the Skitzi Poodle had picked up the mail, and had an envelope for me. I opened it, and what to my wandering eyes did appear?? A refund for my apartment deposit in Tulsa for $300!!! Not only did this clear my felonious error of my ways earlier in the day, I did not expect it, so I was $300 to the good! And the next day I got a bartending job at a rockin place and the cogs of my life in Dallas starting clicking. And all that happened with that check was it came back 'account closed'. No fees, no handcuffs, NUTH-ING.

So, I remembered that story today as I was paying bills with my unemployment money. I don't recommend this for the faint of heart, because once again, I must be creative while we keep on keepin on. But, as you can see, I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat and make it another day.

Without writing any weird checks.

LYCouponClippinGuts,

Bj

I'm Thinking........

Today, in Dallas traffic, I was thinking how I wasn't happy with Best Buy not backing up my broken Nikkon camera, and Nikkon basically saying 'so sorry'. So suddenly, since I do like to spread the word on good service vs. shit service, I wondered if I should start a blog (I'm sure its not the first) that lets the readers voice their experiences, either retail, restaurants, airlines, dog walkers, whatever, and ALSO good AND bad, so the good comments get out there too.

Here's a good one; we have a chain of restaurants down here called Houlihans. Not sure how far out they go, but every time I go there, I love the food, the service, the interior etc. So I emailed them and told them and now I'm on some kind of internet advisory board called HQ. Looks like it will be fun!

What do you think? If you like the mohawk that Bills Barber Shop gave you in Des Moines, if you broke out in a rash from eating possum in Louisianna, or if you love Target so much that you got a target shaped tattoo, you could post it on here.

And I will need a name for this site. Thats where Yall come in handy. You are all such intelligent smart asses that I would love to hear your ideas.

What do you think?

LYRalphNaderGuts,

Bj

I Used to Sleep Under Parked Cars.....

But now I prefer Egyptian Cotton and Memory Foam.

LYWakeMeUpIfTheresFoodInvolvedGuts,

Owen

Dear Spiegel Catalog,

I just hung up from your Customer Service Center, which honestly, if you could find some talking monkeys you could lower your overhead on payroll. AND THEN, just maybe, you could issue me a credit for some clothing I returned in June. I know, I know, it takes five weeks to receive the return into your warehouse. Funny, it took you five SECONDS to charge my credit card. I was told in July that it takes that long because so many people in your warehouse take vacations in July! That kind of left my mouth open, but hey, I dealt with that answer. So today, I was told they don't know why I was told that. I was also told there were no supervisors to speak with, so I suppose your entire Customer Service Call Center is being run by entry level mediocrity. She also wasn't too keen on telling me I was being charged $17.95 for the return postage. REALLY? Since your policy states I will be charged $6.95??????? Really?

Aren't you FRIGGIN SPIEGEL??

Haven't you been doing this since, like, dinosaurs roamed the earth? How is the HELL are you still in business if this is your method of operation??

I did the following:

-told the little girl on the phone not to take my rant personally

-also told her I was going to tell everyone I knew, including strangers pumping gas, how much Spiegel's policies SUCK

-emailed their 'contact us' link in ALL CAPS.

And just when I was going to pull the trigger on that Purple & Gold Kaftan with matching paisley leggings. And the big purple belt.

Damn you Spiegel.

LYI'llShowThemGuts,

Bj

One Year of The Toilet Seat Down

My, time flies when you are having fun!! There was a post in 08 titled Weird, actually August 4th, which documented the exit of the Ranch Hand from the premises. I can and can't believe its been that long, however, looking back, through all the shit and unexpected occurances, I, M2, and the Sled Team are doing great! I truly know the following:

1. I can do anything, somehow when FORCED to, but I can do it.

2. I have a great kid that is surviving two good parents living apart, and she gets it that its better for all of us. We talk alot and I ask her point blank questions and she is honest with me....I say thank you to the skies alot for such a great kid.

3. I will find that "PERFECT" job soon.......I know it.

4. I will get the divorce finalized as soon as I achieve #3, and we will all be able to move on mentally.

5. I will meet someone that is also looking for me. I know that too.

So, cheers to a year! Thanks for all your witty comments, strange suggestions, and input in general.

LYThanksForReadingMyDirtGuts,

Bj

Deep Thoughts by M2

M2- Mom, have you ever googled 'Google'?

Me- um, no. Have you?

M2- yes, and it just takes you right back to where you were.

My kid rocks.

LY12yearoldGuts,

Mom

I really love this band, Kings of Leon

you've heard it, but here's the words:

I've been roaming around always lookin down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me

We Are Open During Working Hours

Really?

I swear I saw that sign yesterday on a gas station. It intrigued me enough to turn in and see who owned the place, under the guise of buying something to drink. I think its a sleeper cell, bringing in their own gas from over where ever, but by God, they are only open during working hours. What else is funny is they had no hours posted on their door.

Moving on. Do you like my new hairstyle? I mean blog look? After I went back and tried to read about the deceased babysitter, the words were so crunched together, I went to the edit lab and I'm going to give this a twirl. AND, my digital camera is in the Best Buy Hospital so when it gets out, you are going to get some RedNeck Photography from moi.
You're welcome.

If anyone reads Pioneer Woman, and wants to see what she (and Marlboro Man) really look like, go to I Should Be Folding Laundry.

She got a shot of them at BlogHer, which I'm beginning to think is too large and too organized and too dainty for this group. BLOGSLUR IT IS! AT CHEZ VEAZEY, in between her multiple vacations.

Now go do the right thing.

LYDr.LauraGetsOnMyNervesGuts,

Bj

My 7 Year Old Version of Weekend at Bernies

I decided one morning, in the second grade, that attending Mrs. Callicott’s class that day did not appeal to me. I remember not really being sick, and looking back the people involved in this story thought it was divine intervention that I ‘played sick’ with the events that played out. I could have probably stayed home alone, or technically thought I could, but when I had any sick days, there was a lady, Mrs Hughes that kept me when I needed a 'personal day'. Super D worked in our hometown at the bank building, which was a highrise of three stories. In the elevator, on a little stool, was one of my favorite people, Mr. Hughes. He sat there and smiled and pushed the right buttons, 1, 2, or 3. It was his wife, Mrs. H, that was my designated caretaker. So Super D drops me off in my pajamas at Mrs. H’s house, along with a dress to change into when I wanted to get out of the pjs. So I’m laying in the floor about 10:30 am, watching Candid Camera (I remember the whole scene like it was yesterday). Mrs H appears from the kitchen and tells me she made a PBJ sandwich and put it on the counter. She was going to stretch out on the sofa and rest. OK. So Candid Camera is over, I get up, and go cruise the kitchen, take a bite out of the PBJ then think I would like to put my dress on. It was a black plaid short sleeve collared straight dress with a little skirt on the bottom. Back then, any zipper in your dress was 85 miles long, and I put the dress on, but of course could not maneuver that zipper. I walk over to Mrs. H, gently shake her arm, and ask her to zip up my dress. I stood there, she didn’t do anything, so I shook her a little more. Nothing. So I walk over to the phone, call my mother, and the only thing I say is “can people sleep with their eyes open?” Super D says no, why?, and I say ‘well Mrs. H is and I wanted her to zip up my dress and she is asleep with her eyes open.’

Yup. Dead. My babysitter is dead on the sofa, and I’m really just wanting my dress zipped up. Of course, I didn’t realize she was DEAD, I thought she was just taking a REALLY good nap. Super D kept her cool, and said “maybe Mrs. H can sleep with her eyes open, just watch tv and I’ll come eat lunch with you.’ Two minutes later, the neighbor, who I knew, came over and took me outside, and an ambulance pulls up and Super D pulls up and my DAD pulls up, and even my little second grader brain was like What the Hell is going on? So, they take Mrs. H out, and Super D takes me in a bedroom to explain what happened.

“Honey, Mrs. H went to heaven while she was taking a nap”.

Me- no she didn’t’ she was on the sofa.

SD- well she went to sleep and died…

me- is she coming back?

SD- no, but we loved her and we will stay close with the family and Mr. H.

So then the whole Hughes clan started showing up, I remember the confusion in the house, and SD taking me home. I said on the way home’ I wasn’t really sick today’ and SD says ‘I know, I was letting you play hooky’………

So, two or three times that week, I wrote a note to Mrs. H. ‘Dear Mrs. H,
Thank you for making me a PBJ on Tuesday when I came over. I would like you to come back next week . I will come over again.
Dear Mrs H. My mom says you are not coming back. But you can if you want to. I will come over and watch tv at your house with you.
Nobody knew about those notes I was writing. I kept them, then one day I tore them up and took them to a vacant lot behind my house and put them under a huge rock. My version of therapy at 7 years.

Then the H family came over with a gift for me. They were hopeful I wasn't scarred for life, but greatful that 78 year old Mr H. didn't come home to find his wife dead. The gift was a baby duck, and I named it Pepe, as in La Pew. I loved that damn duck and he grew into a goose that would chase my friends and scare the shit out of them. That duck rocked.

So did Mrs. H and her PBJ Sandwiches.

LYI'veAlsoBeenChasedByBuffalosGuts,

Bj

Waiting on the Coin to Arrive...

Wow! I am going through the adult equivalent of a fun house, or more like a maze, sifting through the unemployment hoops and loops and go here and file this and whoops, you didn't file last week- (really? I thought I did) and TO THIS DATE I HAVE NOT RECEIVED ONE PENNY FROM THE STATE OF TEXAS. And I started this process exactly 40 days ago...............

note to Le Downunder: I would currently like to "whoop" somebodys ass.

So while I write this, after giving up yesterday, I was just told the approximate wait time for a human is 20 minutes. That is after I called the number for an hour only to get a busy signal. Glad I gave up yesterday because on the ten o'clock news they said there were so many people trying to call in and/or go online the entire system shut down.

Good to know. Meanwhile, I am sitting here listening to bad Musak and little voices giving me info and tips on what to do, what not to do, avoiding scams, etc.

I'm thinking they should be running a Comedy Central audio so when you finally get a person, you are not plotting their demise.

Ok, I'm back from the conversation with 'Herschel'. Sidenote, he sounds like a robot with a mouth full of marbles. He asked me why I had not filed on time..'um-thought I did'. 'No you didn't you were supposed to file on June 17th' 'um sorry' 'What was the reason?' 'don't have one, H, Can you put down blonde or stupid?' ...Silence.....'(me) come on H, that was a joke, laugh with me' ha.ha. ha. marbles moving around sound, and then he puts me on hold. I pray that I don't lose my sparkling conversation with H, my current BFF, to a dropped call.

He's back. 'Ok, I've reset everything and you can go online and send in your requests for payment'. I felt that nervousness about hanging up with him like you have when you hit the 'send' button on a questionable email.... So I say 'and if I have problems, I call back this same number?' 'Yes'. Jesus. AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR A JOB???

So, everything went well online. EXCEPT I forgot to ask H one important question....When do I see the $$$? I can still put together a meal out of the pantry for a while, but the Sled Team is getting nervous about the bag of Rachel Ray Dog food getting low. If it wasn't going to be 105 degrees today, I'd park their asses on a corner with a sign that says 'will shed for food'.....but not quite there......YET.

LYUnemploymentStillSucksGuts,

Bj

Dear Mr. Dyson,

I decided to write you a letter today, because once again, I have blown up yet another Bissell Vacuum Cleaner. I have a few questions for you, if you have a chance to climb off of your big yellow yacht, probably named "Doesn't Suck" and answer them.

Let me preface this story with the fact that I own three dogs. All rescues, so none of your tax money is going to a shelter to house or feed them. I am doing that. You're welcome.

I'm just wondering if the price of your museum quality, one of a kind, best on the market money can buy extremely cool vacuum cleaner will ever come down? You see, I not only rescue dogs, I recently joined 13.7 million sisters and brothers in the vacuum (haha) of layoffs. So you can't blame me for staring at the Pet Hair Dyson at Target today with more lust in my eyes than a 17 year old boy in a backseat could ever have.

Perhaps, there is a scholarship fund available? Or possibly a sample program? Or even a scratch and dent sale, which would have to be equal to the price of these disposable Bissells I'm going through like water.....

DON'T SAY IT PEOPLE!!! I don't have $499 laying around....

LoveYourSuckingGuts,

Bj, aka, Mothership of the Sled Team; Abner, Bella, and Owen

Ode to a Good Dog

We lost a good dog today named Gunner Hankins. It was his time to go chase tennis balls in heaven, but for 15 years he was a really great dog owned by my sister, brother-in-law and their two boys. Gunner came home after a hunting trip, much to my sisters dismay, and he chewed, pooped, and chewed some more all through his puppy years. But when he grew up, he was one of those dogs you wish you had. Always came when called, and he would go out each morning and get the newspaper for my brother in law Tim. One day, Tim stepped back in the house and when he came back, Gunner had gathered up the entire cul-de-sacs newspapers! He was a sweet guy, and everyone in my family will miss him dearly.

As you can see, there is a black lab 'habit' in this family, that is Gabby on the left, Gunners little sister, and Ruby on the right, their cousin. But Gunner ruled the roost.

Hope you find lots of tennis balls in heaven, Gunner.

LYSweetSweetGuts,

Bj

Getting My ESS-ACHSE-EYE-TEE Together!!!!

Can I have a Woot Woot! There is a resume Goddess, and I just found her. I was having so many problems moving info around and trying to send info specific resumes out to the world, that I was losing my mind...........THEN, I get on Microsoft Office, and voila, I figured it out, and life is good again, well relatively speaking in the world of umemployment.

Speaking of unemployment, here in the state of Texas the max you get per week is $400 and some change. Can't wait for that windfall, I tell you. I applied online, hit send while doing the sign of the cross, and now I get about one letter per day saying 'we are processing your request.' I have no idea when they actually send money, but they sure are great at telling you its in your future. I know, if they spent less time and postage on the pre-money chit chat, and add that to the pot, we may be able to barely live and pay our bills while looking for a frigging job.

Why am I not in charge of the rules?

Big Congrats go to Le Down Under (Third on the Right) for her new adventure into Croc Country in Northern Austrailia. You go girl, don't quite understand your new position but to me, it sounds like you are going to be like the Mayor or the Principal or the President of that town.

Good Luck Le! If you come across an extra Croc hanging around the flower bed, tell MIC I would love some boots or a nice handbag....He could have Craft Day with the boys!

Have a great week!

LYDamnItsHotGuts,

Bj

A Reality Show Idea

Getting into the 'next phase' of my life, and any prospects of a relationship in the near/far future, its pretty obvious that I will meet a divorced man, I'm just saying. And I think I prefer someone divorced to never been married, cause that could be an entire carousel of baggage that you didn't see coming, nor know how to deal with its contents.

I was thinking about someone in particular, old friend, that I hear is now divorced twice, wondering what happened because he seems like a great guy (years ago). Suddenly I thought, if you are about to become serious with someone, a great reality show would be"Lets Speak to The Ex" and the new girlfriend could quiz the ex wife(s) about what happened.... does he burp and fart all the time, not put his underwear in the hamper, drink milk out of the carton, come home smelling like perfume, gamble away the grocery money......

You know, the usual stuff.

What questions should we ask the Ex?

LYJohnandKateDon'tMakeEightGuts,

Bj

First Time Camper

Well, we are busy packing shorts and bathing suits to get M2 off to tennis camp. This is the first time she has gone to an overnight camp, and I can still recall the excitement I always had when packing for my summers at Camp C'Andy. She, however, will be in a dorm with A/C so its not quite the steamy experience I had. I have been telling her how I had friends that I mostly saw in the summer at camp, and maybe this will be like that. I don't think I will tell her the following, though....

-when my friend and I froze all the silverware and hid the cereal and the cook (of like 500 years) threatened to quit that morning.

-scaring the s-h-i-t out of another girl at the cemetary who we talked into going with us that night

-putting saran wrap over the toilets in the main bathroom

-then vaseline the next night

-locking the staff in the staff cabin during their morning meeting then spraying them down with hoses through the screen walls

-moving a girls bed all the way out to the hill and setting up her area just how it looked in the cabin

-walking the entire length of the camp wrapped only in a raft because somebody took our bathing suits because we were skinny dipping

I think there are more 'adventures', because I went every summer for 3 or 4 weeks. I'm sure she will begin making her own memories, and I'll secretly smile remembering my own. Man it was fun.

LYMosquitosandSunburnGuts,

Bj

Today's Beauty Twitter

If I had a huge wart on the end of my nose, I would have it removed.

You're welcome.

LYFindADermatologistGuts,

Bj

Whoa, what was that?

Hiya Vixens.............

Imagine....... working your ass off to finish a project that came one layer up from your corporate office, meaning from the parent company, and labeled 'high visibility'. No pressure. .......ha...If I didn't have a phone up to my head, I had a mapquest search going on and pretty much worked in that speed for six days. Not what I call sensible planning to achieve a successful outcome, more like panic mode that this was coming from the top, ie Germany. Grab your lederhosens, and hang on, which was exactly what the entire sales team was doing.

So I turn in all documents, data, and fall into bed Thursday night. I was SO glad that initiative was over and looking forward to a 'normal' day in my office getting things caught up that I had put in the 'not now' pile.

BUT, the cosmic universe has other plans for me. I open my email and what to my wandering eyes do appear? An email from my boss (with no options given) to meet at an 'off site' location at 10:30 am.

M2 sweetly said 'maybe you're getting a raise!' but I knew about previous offsite location meetings for coworkers had not resulted in a raise....

Yup, by 11:17 am I was 'laid off'. Handed a nice little stack of papers, with all exit info, labeled 'would rehire' (gee thanks- maybe by Monday?)

and I had to say goodbye to the best boss I've ever had. Then the phone started ringing and I ended the last call about 10:30 last night. It wasn't just me, and it had nothing to do with my performance, so I was told. The sucky building industry recession has finally hit Texas, 2 years after it hit California where the corporate office is, and we've been holding the boat steady for that period of time. But we sprang a leak in January, and that is where I am.

SO, taking the weekend to absorb this change in my road, and just hang out with M2 and do some swimming, yard work, and cleaning out my office. Then on Monday, as my gay guy friend said last night, I need to shift into survival mode. I did get a miniature severance package, which is better than a handshake and 'we'll miss you' I suppose. We will be eating creative leftovers, thats for sure........

Send me good thoughts, good ideas, or just your witty comments as usual. My job preferences would be to make millions of bazillions writing this blog, or traveling with the circus as the person that bathes the elephants. I would love a job that doesn't involve constant stress when you are NOT supposed to be working....do those jobs even exist??

LYblowingoffthedustonmyresumcGuts,

Bj

Mixin It Up

editors note: looking for a photo, I grabbed this one because you could pretty much mix and match this with that guy that is on trial claiming he is Clark Rockefeller.........right?

This random post is about a variety of things that mix...or not so much

kind of like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon but different...

Well, my GF Belinda got the summer drink started by bringing her recipe for Pimms Cups to a get together, then Sheilas darling husband kept it going at another event. Pimms is hard to describe, but you cut up a bunch of fruit (oranges, lemons, cherries, etc) and also a few cucumbers, and some mint, and put them in ice, stir, then add 1/3 Pimms and 2/3 GingerAle. Very smooth and sippable by the pool...try it....

Mothers Day Cocktail- some guy showed up at a party with this home made recipe, said he made it to survive his in laws coming for Mothers Day. Ice, vodka, sprite, creme de casis, and big lime squeeze. Shake. Kind of like a Pimms Cup but different. Very light for summer...try it...

Dog Fights- that falls under mixin it up, right? Had another mini squirmish but I got in the middle of it quickly and carried Owen down the hall by his collar. Both knew I was pissed and wouldn't put up with their dog crap....period. Not as traumatic as the first, thats for sure. Mini mix up in the living room.

Dirty Laundry- if one more basket of clean clothes gets mixed in with dirty clothes, I'm going postal...M2 is NOTORIOUS for mixing dirty with clean, and once you fold a load of dirty clothes, you will understand why this does not make me happy.....

Unusual mix of people at an upcoming party- whoa, I'm on the fence about attending this one when I heard the list....or maybe I should sip on a Pimms and sit in the corner and observe. Might make a great post over here.....

Whats your version of mixing it up today????

LYhasanyoneseenRacieLoverGuts,
Bj

Kelly Kelly, Can You Hear Me Now?

Had a wonderful time poolside at a very dear friends home yesterday, who I call 'KellyKelly'. I have no idea why I call her that, we go back 22 years when we both were in college in Dallas. (She was fresh out of HS, I was a 'returning' student).

The occasion was for her 9 year old daughters birthday, Miss L, and there were kids and neighbors and food and laughter and just a really good gathering. KK is one of my friends that no matter how much time goes by, we pick right back up where we were and keep going. She 'gets' me and I 'get' her. We have helped each other sort out things through the years from boyfriends to exams to husbands to kids to recipes, etc. Quite a long list.

Oh, and she is gorgeous. In a very unassuming, natural way, but in her true style, she was dressed for a pool party and just floated around being a great hostess for the kids and friends. I would say she makes it look very effortless, its just her. She was telling her friends about my blog and then said to me that I mentioned her one time and she was so flattered.

So now you got the whole blog today, KK! Thanks for being such a great girlfriend, through thick and thin, through trying to stay sane and raise these kids and keep our balance. This ones for you.........

LYRedheadGuts,

Bj

OH NO! YEAH, BABY!

I learned to do this. And you know how psychotic random my recent posts have been, I'm sure you'll block my link as fast as you can be impressed with my new internet skills......

I bow to the Master, LV, who taught me how to add photos many moons ago and now this. I'm sure everyone is emailing you hate mail so happy.
It can only go to hell up from here......

and by the way, .....

I Love a good Chardonnay Your Guts,

Bj

Dog Humor

A Crew of Two.....

This may or may not be a long post. Its Sunday, Memorial Day weekend, and although we've had plans here and there, today is overcast and we are 'inbetween' invitations to go and do holiday things. I'm trying to fill in the bursts of going here and there with yard work and things around the house.

The previous week, however, has been overwhelming in so many ways.

You all know my posts about my family issues, and that is going to be a long time coming to mend what has been said and the sadness it has caused my family. I am sorry it happened, but I can't go back and change it. My horoscope said all relationships change or run their course and that is an understatement. I am a person that functions on other peoples approval, and quite frankly it sucks but it is my truth. To be told you are a trainwreck when you are hanging on the sturdiest limb you can find and trying to create a new environment for your child is almost equal to having all of your efforts erased. A very deep cut indeed, but you know my motto is to keep on keepin on so that is all I can do.

In addition to that, I had a very eye opening parental event happen with M2 this week. I won't go into detail, but it reminded me of the road I have ahead of me going into the teen years. It wasn't bad behavior, it was testing her new waters and I as a parent should have been more diligent monitoring her activities rather than just trusting she knows the boundaries that her father and I expect. At least as parents we are still united in our values and standards for her, and she saw that from both of us this week. As in all three of us, sitting in my living room, putting all things out on the table, and going over the list of rules and consequences for not following them. And she SO got it. I know my kid. However, we took 3 large steps back in the trust department, making sure we drove home the point of you are 12, not 16. Wings getting clipped is always painful. But she's a great kid and we will get back on track.

So, with those major events all rolled into seven days, I have been crashing mentally on and off and just sat on my patio and thought about everything. I feel like she and I are in a boat together, and our safe harbors are here and there but there are huge segments of time that I feel we are just drifting, the two of us, and I'm trying to get to one of those harbors. Right now, I'm in the Bay of Uncertainty. Uncertain about so many things that only will be sorted out with time. I must face a docking soon at a family gathering and although I look forward to being with the group, the uncertainty of where I will stand with my sister makes my stomach hurt. The closer it gets, I will probably feel like full blown throwing up. When we set sail again, it will be out to the waters of summer. My personal economy is very tight right now, and activities beyond Disney Movies On Demand and taking the sled team for a walk have to be very thought out and getting alot of bang for the buck. Makes me want to sigh and say the F word. Here we go again.....

So if you are still reading, I'm still writing to get these things out of my head. You don't have to comment, I know and always feel the support I have from my blog chicks. You guys are awesome, and we are quite a crew if I do say so myself.

So be careful, if you hear a ship horn and look out your window, it may be a crew of two. But that also means you are a safe harbor for me and I appreciate it.

As Pat Green says, 'it came upon me wave on wave, you're the reason I'm still here....am I the one you were sent to save? it came upon me wave on wave.

LoveYourSailingShoesGuts,

Bj